Emotional Health Help: 2026

Hello my friends! Long time no see. I'm back, did you miss me? I missed you. 😻Since I last wrote, I have begun to unpack my childhood trauma issues from abuse by four . And I've dug out some old content I wrote and refurbished it in light of that. I'm here today talk about some of my favorite tools in emotional health help and those are and AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) slogans. Specifically, I'm looking at the slogan "keep it clean."

The Realization

I was hitting blind at a moving target. And that target wore my husband's face because the childhood trauma played out on the safer stage of our relationship. Expressing it was far too deadly in my original family, where the suffering actually came from.

The passive-aggressive plight of repressed rage

Rereading my now 18 year old content (😕 where did the time go?) I can hear a lot of repressed anger that came out sideways. I was more caustic and sharp and I see, deeply wounded. I see now that childhood trauma couldn't acknowledge abuse, neglect, fear of abandonment (from actual parental abandonment), endangerment, exploitation, manipulative parentifications, scapegoating parental enmeshment, triangulation and gaslighting about it all, had me very confused and shell shocked. I knew I was hurt and hurting but and kept me from seeing the dysfunctional family system origins.

The Clarity

FOG and DARVO gas the child's brain with poisonous, blinding fumes.

Gaslighting DARVO and FOG destroys reality

Narcissistic parent abuse has me so confused by FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) that I thought that my now relationships were the only source of the problem. I couldn't see the childhood trauma responses underscoring everything. Parent gaslighting (which is actually a form of gassing) had "burned my vision" so I could not see their abuse and cruelty clearly. And they made sure to keep the focus squarely on me and my husband as the problems, as they had always scapegoated me. They used DARVO to further muddy the waters. They Denied abusing me, counter- Attacked, and reversed Victim and Offender. I as their victim was painted as offending and victimizing them.

"Keep it Clean" dilemma

This Alanon slogan means keep issues in the arena they belong. I had written,

"In your dealings with others, keep the strands of thread separate. You're an adult. You know the difference between trouble at work and trouble at home. Keep it straight and keep it clean. Whatever you are experiencing, no matter how negative, it is never appropriate to take advantage of an innocent bystander."

(I was writing this to my husband. I often felt like his toxic waste dump, but not just the repository, the cause. I felt painted as the source of toxic waste, instead of just the place where it was dumped. But I long felt this at home too. But admitting that would be very dangerous. Whereas confronting my husband had hope. He actually listens.)

The projection plus transference trap

I had also written that

"Trouble shared is trouble halved is an old saying that only works if it's done cleanly and works two ways. There is a huge difference between sharing troubles in an objective, non-blaming an non-confrontational safe way and making the person you are sharing with, part of the problem. And it's a two-way street where both parties share."

I didn't make the connection then, but what I was trying to get at was the one way nature of relationships with parents who take without given. And the problems of projection and transference. It also has to do with enmeshment, lack of respect, invalidation and boundary violation. The person sharing trouble isn't looking for help. He's looking for a target to blame. With narcissistic word salad and blame shifting, he blurs the lines between bystander and offender. By scapegoating someone, the -er, transfers all responsibility, blame and consequences onto the innocent sacrificial lamb. Ergo, the importance of "keeping it clean."

What I didn't understand was the trauma-bonded betrayal blindness which made me blame myself—and then my spouse, who was part of me—for what my parents did. I was doing what they did to me. And I was dragging him into my circular hell of blame and shame.

Narcissistic parents start a dirty vicious cycle

When I wrote this post so long ago, I was writing to express frustration at how people in my life had not "kept it clean." But I was also inadvertently failing to keep it clean myself. Me and everyone around me got the fallout from their toxins. My narcissistic, dehumanizing parents kept nothing clean. Every bad thing comes back to bite their scapegoat child who believes, because exploitative parents have flipped the script, that she is the fault, the problem, the enemy. Mad at your spouse? Blame the child. One of your other kids failed? Pin it on the scapegoat. You got some narcissistic injury? Lash out at the scapegoat. The entire biome of the narcissistic family system is a polluted toxic waste dump.

The gaslighting trail

I heard endless vicious scorn, rebuke, and insult from my parents. And I let them attack because I thought that's what a "good daughter" did. But what it really is, is an abused scapegoat child trauma-responding, at her own expense.

Narcissistic parent abuse and gaslighting doesn't end when you move out. Or in my case are kicked out. They hound you, even from the grave in the "" shaming they implanted. I can hear their voices in my head clearer than in real-time voices. They had groomed and indoctrinated to believe that since I was the problem, anyone I would bring into the toxic circle would by extension be the problem.

Now that I know, I know

So I'm sharing what I wrote back then but I'm putting the real perpetrators in the hot seat. Did my husband sometimes take advantage and blame-shift? I don't know. My memory of those times is so besmirched by my parents' gaslighting deceit that I can't say. Looking back, I know my now family and I would have been a lot better off if I'd known then what I know now. Once you see, you can never be blinded again.

The 2026 rewrite

So here's what I'd say to my narcissistic abusive parents now. It's the same thing I said 18 years ago, but now I'm saying it to the right people. I just replaced my original word spouse with the correct word child.

PARADOX OF PARENT ROLE REVERSAL

NOTE: The operative substitution of "child" for "spouse" is exactly what occurred in the role reversal I experienced. Alongside being parentified, I was also used as a surrogate spouse, support system, soother, servant, and therapist.

(so now what I wrote reads properly) "If you are taking advantage of your CHILD's support, encouragement, listening ear and willingness to share your burden, shame on you for exploiting that love. Because your CHILD is willing to share your trials, does not make him/her your personal toxic waste dump. If you expect your CHILD to be there for you, be there for him/her when they need you."

The Now Reality Check

But that's what hypocritical enmeshed narcissists don't do. They obligate their children to them in unnatural ways while failing to provide the fundamental basics they are actually obligated to provide. THIS is what blinded me to the real problems.

(I continued) "Don't pollute the waters of your relationships by dragging your own demons into your relationship and expecting him/her to rescue you. Problems at work? Boss picking on you? Don't drag your CHILD into the mud. It isn't his/her fault that you have problems at work and it's not his/her responsibility to fix them. Is one (or all) of your kids bugging you? Is your mother, brother, wife driving you crazy? This is not your CHILD"s problem and if you try to make him/her responsible for it because she/he isn't bailing you out, be prepared for hell on earth at home."

The Irony of Parent Enmeshment

All these things I originally wrote not to do to spouses are bad enough to do to adults. But I was a child, being expected to do and be all things for adult parents who were supposed to love and protect me.

THERE SHOULD BE WAR BUT WASN'T

That last part I wrote about it being "hell on earth" was meant to say that if you bring warfare to the marriage, be prepared for anger and resentment. But sadly, as I now see, all the anger and resentment I should have felt, living with parents abuse, I didn't. I just absorbed that hellish nightmare life inside me.

(I continued, and this I see now that the trauma bonded betrayal blindness glasses have fallen off, was written straight to my parent perpetrators.)

"If you are so lazy and selfish that you believe that it's fine for you to harass, pester, undermine, insult and hurt innocent people because you are having trouble, you don't deserve a relationship. (2026 edit-You don't deserve children, either). Pull up your big boy/girl panties and wake up. The world doesn't revolve around you. There is a God but you are not it. (That was aimed squarely at my mom, dad, stepmom and stepdad, but I didn't know it)

"Everyone else has problems, worries, frustrations, pain and suffering. (2026 edit I have a lot of these BECAUSE of you YOU caused them) It called the human condition. If you can't or won't accept that fact, do yourself and everyone else a favor. Go live in a cave where you won't be a thorn in everyone else's side. If you can't pull your fair share in this world and own your own problems and pain, then get out of the race now. Don't expect anyone else to be your conscience, emotional crutch or personal leaning post.

I thought in rereading this that I'd hear a lot of smug sententiousness in my writing. Because my parents told me I was the hypocrite, the know-it-all. But I don't read this in it all. I hear a clarion call to arms, against perpetrators of abuse. So I'll end with this thought.

"It's not your fault. It never was. It never will be. You can step off from the crazy-making parental abuse merry-go-round any time you want. You control the brake." Love, Mar 💗