How to Set Boundaries for Holiday Guests and Be a Good Guest
Panic Attacks as Coping and Defense Mechanisms
'Existential crisis' refers to experiences of extreme stress or that shake a person's core convictions. In response to 'existential crisis' stress, the mind may go into safety mode. Panic attacks can be defense and coping mechanisms.
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AA and Alanon Slogan and Recovery: But for the Grace of God
The 12 Step AA and Al-Anon programs describes their beliefs this way: 'spiritual but not religious'. We recognize a Higher Power in AA and Al-Anon, whom some of us choose to call God. 'But for the Grace of God' refers to our higher power.
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AA Sayings, Alanon Slogans and Recovery: Just for Today
AA Saying, Alanon Slogans: Just for Today
AA and Alanon are known for their 12 Step program which guide recovering alcoholics and co-dependent people through self-help steps. AA and Al Anon also use slogans and sayings in the recovery process. 'Just for Today' is a popular AA and Alanon slogan.
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AA and Alanon Slogans: Using HALT for Depression, Codependent Behavior and Detachment
In working a 12-step program like AA and Al-Anon, an important recovery and self-help tool is the acronym HALT. Whenever I feel Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired, I need to HALT, identify this need and address it. Here's how HALT works.
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Alcoholic Addictive and Dry Drunk Crazy Making Behavior
Communication Skills in Alcoholic Addictive Behavior
Alcoholic and addictive behavior makes for very poor communication skills. Addict talk in confusing and often counter-productive. Alcoholic behavior doesn't listen to others. Addicts are self-centered and often unable to maintain relationships.
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Codependent Enabling Behavior, Recovery and Detachment
Codependent Enabling Behavior in Response to Alcoholic Addictive Behavior What is codependent or enabling behavior? Codependent behavior fuels alcoholic stinkin' thinkin' (toxic addictive thoughts that impell the non-addict to try and fix the addict's behavior). Enabling behavior is fueld by stinkin thinkin. Co-dependents care-take, ignore the elephant in the living room and excuse crazy behavior. Read More
Pity Party: When Low Self-Esteem Becomes a Weapon
The crybully in usually a narcissist who uses his self-professed low self-esteem as a crutch and an excuse for toxic behavior. He says things like
(heavy sigh) I don't think anything of myself. Don't expect anything of me. I can't be held to normal rules because I am suffering. You can't judge me anymore harshly than I already judge myself." Translation: oh woe is me, nobody understands me, how I've suffered, you're all out to get me, yada yada. 
The problem with this type of stinkin' thinkin' is that it usually comes out because someone has confronted the crybully with his own bad behavior. He has experienced narcissistic injury and he doesn't like it. That's not a real injury. It's a kick to his inflated ego.
This toxic behavior twists your words to make himself sound like the poor picked-on little boy. In reality, what you said was probably not terribly inflammatory. However because you confronted his words or behavior, you didn't hide and cover up, you walked into the elephant in the living room instead of around it, the crybully goes into 'poor me' mode.
But instead of just coming out swinging, the crybully uses emotional black mail. He hides and his passive-aggressive, underhanded nasty words and behaviors behind a smokescreen of low self-esteem. He defends his actions by claiming to feel so "terrible" about himself and can't help it. No compassionate person is going to question the motives and actions of a person who already feels low about himself.
It's in the bully's best interest that others see him as the victim, the wronged one, the poor innocent. It's important for him to use his low self -esteem to protect himself from having to accept any responsibility for his actions. When you confronted his behavior you made him vulnerable because you exposed his self-esteem as a crutch, a tool and even a weapon.
Low self-esteem can be a weapon, you ask? Absolutely. Here's how. When you confront a bully on his unacceptable behavior, his cover is blown. When you call it what it is, he can't hide behind the "poor me" facade anymore. And that's when he shows his true colors, in narcissistic rage. A person with truly low self-esteem already believes the worst about themselves. If you confront us, we go into the grovel fawn trauma response. We abase ourselves. We accept full responsibility and feel intense guilt. We don't make excuses. In fact we take on everyone else's shame as well.
So the fact that the crybully narcissist reacts with affronted rage to your confrontation of his behavior, proves he think very highly of himself. He feels self-righteous entitlement to lash out because his "rights" to whatever he imagines he has a right to have been "violated." His behavior is far more bullying and abusive than anything you supposedly did to him.
Suddenly his 'low self-esteem' doesn't seem like a handicap for him, but a weapon that he wields with deadly accuracy. People feel sorry for people with low self-esteem. They hate and fear bullies. Don't let the crybully fool you with excuses of low self-esteem. Those who truly struggle with self-esteem don't often talk about it and when they do, they do not use it as a crutch, tool or weapon.
How to Detach from Stinking Thinking, Bullying, Codependency
Al-anon coined a useful phrase for toxic thinking behavior called "stinkin thinkin." In speech, it's called "word salad" (a toxic barrage blame-shame shifting, gaslighting, insults and narcissistic abuse). Are you in a relationship with someone struggling with stinking thinking and toxic behavior? If someone you love has stinking thinking with toxic behavior you need to detach. Your job is to keep yourself safe. What is toxic behavior? Basically it's any behavior engaged in by someone you love that is hurtful to you. It includes but isn't limited to:
- rudeness
- sarcastic comments
- mocking
- patronizing (mansplaining)
- dehumanizing
- insults
- lying
- denying reality
- passive-aggressive behavior
- scolding and shaming
- humiliating
- projection of blame
- scapegoating
What is stinking thinking? It's the grease that keeps the toxic behavior going. Stinking thinking is unhealthy self-talk, self-pity, shame, pouting, reaction formation, blame-shifting, resentment and narcissistic rage. Al-anon uses this term to explain how our toxic thoughts drive toxic behavior.
Detaching from toxic behavior and stinking thinking is may look different from person to person. Some people find that the only way to get unstuck or detach from the toxic behavior and stinking thinking is to go no contact and cut themselves off completely via divorce, a physical move, etc. In other situations, other methods may work, such as self-talk, emotional and mental detachment and periods of isolation.
One of the best tools for detachment is to recognize toxic behavior and stinking thinking for what it is and then learn to read the red flag warning signs that an episode of toxic behavior is looming. If you've been in a relationship with stinking thinking, you can sense when an episode is coming on. Sometimes you have warning; other times it's out of the blue. But you can start to "read" the vibes the person is giving out.
By admitting that the behavior is toxic, you start to diffuse it's harm to you. Pretending it's something else doesn't work. A person bent on making you feel will succeed sooner or later. Gaslighting yourself that
"you heard it wrong"
"he didn't mean it"
or any of the other many excuses we codependent people make for aggressive, antagonistic, narcissistic behavior only prolongs the pain.
Another tool is radical acceptance that the toxic behavior and stinking thinking are real and really happening. When you see it coming, cut it off at the pass. Recognize the toxic behavior and stinking thinking before it has a chance to harm you. Avoid the tar pit. Walk around. Getting stuck in stinking thinking and toxic behavior has a nasty habit of making the victim respond with toxic behavior. Don't go there.
When you see the storm brewing, practice what I call detachment by avoidance. Detaching by avoidance isn't always observable to others. I am learning to detach in my mind. I don't react to baited comments, suggestive remarks, sarcastic jibes, vicious talk, swearing, innuendos and verbal traps. These are toxic behavior and stinking thinking traps designed to lure me into the arena. These are red flags, designed to get me to 'see red' literally and come out charging.
Well, I'm not a bull but I know bull poop when I see it. Toxic behavior in the form of rude comments or underhanded remarks, is bull poop. Plain and simple. I am learning how to neatly sidestep piles of bull poop and go on my way, untainted. It's not easy. I've stepped in the toxic mess more times than I care to count. And I probably will again. But like the great quit smoking motto, I 'don't' quit quitting'. I get up, clean myself off and get back on track.
Will the person with the stinking thinking get better? That's not given to me to know. of course I hope for healthy behavior. Healthy people are happy people. All I can do is work my own program, detach when needed and be glad that life is 'one day at a time'. For more on this topic, visit me at www.emotionalhealthhelp.blogspot.com
Alanon and the Blame Shame Game
The Blame-Shame Game is a term used in psychology and 12-Step recovery programs to explain behavior that is prompted by blame or shame. The blame-shame game is an avoidance and projection coping mechanism. Here's what it looks like and how to avoid it.
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AA Slogans for Emotional Health: Keep it Clean
Relationship and Emotional Health Help: Alanon Slogan 'Keep it Clean'
Relationship and Emotional Health Help: Alanon Slogan 'Keep it Clean'Al-Anon and AA (Alcoholics Anonymous)provide a great toolkit for emotional health. It's called the Al-Anon Slogans. Part of recovery from addiction or emotional illness includes 'Keep it clean' in relationships. 'Keep it clean' means that in your dealings with others, keep the strands of thread separate. You're a big boy/girl. You know the difference between trouble at work and trouble at home. Keep it straight and keep it clean.
Whatever you are experiencing, no matter how negative, it is never appropriate to take advantage of an innocent bystander. 'Trouble shared is trouble halved' is an old saying. But there is a huge difference between sharing troubles in a non-confrontational safe way and making them part of the problem. If you are taking advantage of your spouse's support, encouragement, listening ear and willingness to share your burden, shame on you if you take advantage of that love. Because your spouse is willing to share your trials, does not make him/her your personal toxic waste dump. If you expect your spouse to be there for you, be there for him/her when they need you. And don't pollute the waters of your relationships by dragging your own demons into your relationship and expecting him/her to rescue you. Problems at work? Boss picking on you? Don't drag your spouse into the mud. It isn't his/her fault that you have problems at work and it's not his/her responsibility to fix them.
Is one (or all) of your kids bugging you? Is your mother, brother, family member driving you crazy? This is not your spouses problem and if you try to make him/her responsible for it because she/he isn't bailing you out, be prepared for hell on earth at home. If you are so lazy and selfish that you believe that it's fine for you to harass, pester, undermine, insult and hurt innocent people because you are having trouble, you don't deserve a relationship. Pull up your big boy/girl panties and wake up. The world doesn't revolve around you. There is a higher power in the universe but you are not it. Everyone else has problems, worries, frustrations, pain and suffering. It called the human condition. If you can't or won't accept that fact, do yourself and everyone else a favor. Go live in a cave where you won't be a thorn in everyone else's side. If you can't pull your fair share in this world and own your own problems and pain, then get out of the race now. Don't expect anyone else to be your conscience, emotional crutch or personal leaning post.
For more straight talk on relationships, emotional issues and recovery, visit me at www.onintimacy.blogspot.com and www.emotionalhealthhelp.blogspot.com
AA and Al-Anon Slogans: Progress Not Perfection
Shouldn't I strive to be the best person I can be? Absolutely. And the key parts of that phrase are 'strive' and 'best I can be'. Strive is an infinitive verb, not a superlative or comparative. We aren't running a race against anyone. We are climbing a mountain. The only competition is to strive for personal best. Life can't be a competition because the playing field isn't level. And we are not automatons that can be calibrated. We are complex multi-dimensional organic creatures. We each of us carries her own back pack of variables, life experiences, learned behaviors and coping skills.
Stress abounds when I turn every aspect of life into a competitive match. Who is the prettiest, wealthiest, smartest, best singer, best baseball player, most popular? Some situations present unavoidable competition; others are artificially constructed to be competitive (coping in the workplace for example). As much as possible to reduce stress and live in health and peace, concentrate on your personal best, regardless of what others would, should or could do.
And what constitutes 'personal best' changes from day to day. Some days, I can almost move mountains. Other days, it's a chore to lift my head off from the pillow. Strive indicates a ongoing, one day at a time process. Life is a journey, not a destination. We fall off the bike, get derailed and fail. But the path is still there waiting. Life has no deadline, no finish line, no time table. This doesn't mean I shouldn't set personal goals. But if the goal is unrealistic, or for whatever reason, I can't or don't complete the goal, there is absolutely no reason to despair.
Often we set such lofty and unfair goals for ourselves that failure is a given. Try setting smaller, more realistic short term goals. You weren't able to write 10 articles in a day? Don't feel guilty. Reset your goal to a more manageable one; try for 3 a day and then when you do 5, you can feel like a super hero. Be nice to yourself. Reward the effort as well as the success. Time is a continuum; it's not static. If I don't finish college this semester, do it next semester. Try again. And again.
Al-Anon has another slogan the gels well with 'practice not perfection'; 'don't quit quitting'. Said differently, 'keep on keeping on.' The worst thing you can do to yourself, and this sends stress cortisol levels through the roof, is to berate and antagonize yourself. Doubtless if your friend was suffering, you'd be there for her. Now be there for yourself. The more a person practices his own program, the healthier we all are. For more Al-Anon slogan meditations, visit me at www.emotionalhealthhelp.blogspot.com.
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