Showing posts with label Alanon. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Alanon. Show all posts
Mental Health: How Being an Empath Can Ruin Relationships
Four Must-Have Relationship Rules of Emotionally Healthy Couples
Starting a relationship with a significant other can bring much happiness. As with marriage, there's a honeymoon phase where you float above problems and always get along. But the honeymoon doesn't last forever. And if some ground rules aren't put in place early on, the relationship will crumble quickly. As the relationship progresses and depending on what level it gets to, more definition may be added. Here are some must-have rules. Four Must-Have Relationship Rules of Engagement
AA and Alanon Slogan and Recovery: But for the Grace of God
The 12 Step AA and Al-Anon programs describes their beliefs this way: 'spiritual but not religious'. We recognize a Higher Power in AA and Al-Anon, whom some of us choose to call God. 'But for the Grace of God' refers to our higher power.
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AA Sayings, Alanon Slogans and Recovery: Just for Today
AA Saying, Alanon Slogans: Just for Today
AA and Alanon are known for their 12 Step program which guide recovering alcoholics and co-dependent people through self-help steps. AA and Al Anon also use slogans and sayings in the recovery process. 'Just for Today' is a popular AA and Alanon slogan.
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AA and Alanon Slogans: Using HALT for Depression, Codependent Behavior and Detachment
In working a 12-step program like AA and Al-Anon, an important recovery and self-help tool is the acronym HALT. Whenever I feel Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired, I need to HALT, identify this need and address it. Here's how HALT works.
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Alcoholic Addictive and Dry Drunk Crazy Making Behavior
Communication Skills in Alcoholic Addictive Behavior
Alcoholic and addictive behavior makes for very poor communication skills. Addict talk in confusing and often counter-productive. Alcoholic behavior doesn't listen to others. Addicts are self-centered and often unable to maintain relationships.
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How to Detach from Stinking Thinking, Bullying, Codependency
Al-anon coined a useful phrase for toxic thinking behavior called "stinkin thinkin." In speech, it's called "word salad" (a toxic barrage blame-shame shifting, gaslighting, insults and narcissistic abuse). Are you in a relationship with someone struggling with stinking thinking and toxic behavior? If someone you love has stinking thinking with toxic behavior you need to detach. Your job is to keep yourself safe. What is toxic behavior? Basically it's any behavior engaged in by someone you love that is hurtful to you. It includes but isn't limited to:
- rudeness
- sarcastic comments
- mocking
- patronizing (mansplaining)
- dehumanizing
- insults
- lying
- denying reality
- passive-aggressive behavior
- scolding and shaming
- humiliating
- projection of blame
- scapegoating
What is stinking thinking? It's the grease that keeps the toxic behavior going. Stinking thinking is unhealthy self-talk, self-pity, shame, pouting, reaction formation, blame-shifting, resentment and narcissistic rage. Al-anon uses this term to explain how our toxic thoughts drive toxic behavior.
Detaching from toxic behavior and stinking thinking is may look different from person to person. Some people find that the only way to get unstuck or detach from the toxic behavior and stinking thinking is to go no contact and cut themselves off completely via divorce, a physical move, etc. In other situations, other methods may work, such as self-talk, emotional and mental detachment and periods of isolation.
One of the best tools for detachment is to recognize toxic behavior and stinking thinking for what it is and then learn to read the red flag warning signs that an episode of toxic behavior is looming. If you've been in a relationship with stinking thinking, you can sense when an episode is coming on. Sometimes you have warning; other times it's out of the blue. But you can start to "read" the vibes the person is giving out.
By admitting that the behavior is toxic, you start to diffuse it's harm to you. Pretending it's something else doesn't work. A person bent on making you feel will succeed sooner or later. Gaslighting yourself that
"you heard it wrong"
"he didn't mean it"
or any of the other many excuses we codependent people make for aggressive, antagonistic, narcissistic behavior only prolongs the pain.
Another tool is radical acceptance that the toxic behavior and stinking thinking are real and really happening. When you see it coming, cut it off at the pass. Recognize the toxic behavior and stinking thinking before it has a chance to harm you. Avoid the tar pit. Walk around. Getting stuck in stinking thinking and toxic behavior has a nasty habit of making the victim respond with toxic behavior. Don't go there.
When you see the storm brewing, practice what I call detachment by avoidance. Detaching by avoidance isn't always observable to others. I am learning to detach in my mind. I don't react to baited comments, suggestive remarks, sarcastic jibes, vicious talk, swearing, innuendos and verbal traps. These are toxic behavior and stinking thinking traps designed to lure me into the arena. These are red flags, designed to get me to 'see red' literally and come out charging.
Well, I'm not a bull but I know bull poop when I see it. Toxic behavior in the form of rude comments or underhanded remarks, is bull poop. Plain and simple. I am learning how to neatly sidestep piles of bull poop and go on my way, untainted. It's not easy. I've stepped in the toxic mess more times than I care to count. And I probably will again. But like the great quit smoking motto, I 'don't' quit quitting'. I get up, clean myself off and get back on track.
Will the person with the stinking thinking get better? That's not given to me to know. of course I hope for healthy behavior. Healthy people are happy people. All I can do is work my own program, detach when needed and be glad that life is 'one day at a time'. For more on this topic, visit me at www.emotionalhealthhelp.blogspot.com
Alanon and the Blame Shame Game
The Blame-Shame Game is a term used in psychology and 12-Step recovery programs to explain behavior that is prompted by blame or shame. The blame-shame game is an avoidance and projection coping mechanism. Here's what it looks like and how to avoid it.
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AA Slogans for Emotional Health: Keep it Clean
Relationship and Emotional Health Help: Alanon Slogan 'Keep it Clean'
Relationship and Emotional Health Help: Alanon Slogan 'Keep it Clean'Al-Anon and AA (Alcoholics Anonymous)provide a great toolkit for emotional health. It's called the Al-Anon Slogans. Part of recovery from addiction or emotional illness includes 'Keep it clean' in relationships. 'Keep it clean' means that in your dealings with others, keep the strands of thread separate. You're a big boy/girl. You know the difference between trouble at work and trouble at home. Keep it straight and keep it clean.
Whatever you are experiencing, no matter how negative, it is never appropriate to take advantage of an innocent bystander. 'Trouble shared is trouble halved' is an old saying. But there is a huge difference between sharing troubles in a non-confrontational safe way and making them part of the problem. If you are taking advantage of your spouse's support, encouragement, listening ear and willingness to share your burden, shame on you if you take advantage of that love. Because your spouse is willing to share your trials, does not make him/her your personal toxic waste dump. If you expect your spouse to be there for you, be there for him/her when they need you. And don't pollute the waters of your relationships by dragging your own demons into your relationship and expecting him/her to rescue you. Problems at work? Boss picking on you? Don't drag your spouse into the mud. It isn't his/her fault that you have problems at work and it's not his/her responsibility to fix them.
Is one (or all) of your kids bugging you? Is your mother, brother, family member driving you crazy? This is not your spouses problem and if you try to make him/her responsible for it because she/he isn't bailing you out, be prepared for hell on earth at home. If you are so lazy and selfish that you believe that it's fine for you to harass, pester, undermine, insult and hurt innocent people because you are having trouble, you don't deserve a relationship. Pull up your big boy/girl panties and wake up. The world doesn't revolve around you. There is a higher power in the universe but you are not it. Everyone else has problems, worries, frustrations, pain and suffering. It called the human condition. If you can't or won't accept that fact, do yourself and everyone else a favor. Go live in a cave where you won't be a thorn in everyone else's side. If you can't pull your fair share in this world and own your own problems and pain, then get out of the race now. Don't expect anyone else to be your conscience, emotional crutch or personal leaning post.
For more straight talk on relationships, emotional issues and recovery, visit me at www.onintimacy.blogspot.com and www.emotionalhealthhelp.blogspot.com
AA and Al-Anon Slogans: Progress Not Perfection
Shouldn't I strive to be the best person I can be? Absolutely. And the key parts of that phrase are 'strive' and 'best I can be'. Strive is an infinitive verb, not a superlative or comparative. We aren't running a race against anyone. We are climbing a mountain. The only competition is to strive for personal best. Life can't be a competition because the playing field isn't level. And we are not automatons that can be calibrated. We are complex multi-dimensional organic creatures. We each of us carries her own back pack of variables, life experiences, learned behaviors and coping skills.
Stress abounds when I turn every aspect of life into a competitive match. Who is the prettiest, wealthiest, smartest, best singer, best baseball player, most popular? Some situations present unavoidable competition; others are artificially constructed to be competitive (coping in the workplace for example). As much as possible to reduce stress and live in health and peace, concentrate on your personal best, regardless of what others would, should or could do.
And what constitutes 'personal best' changes from day to day. Some days, I can almost move mountains. Other days, it's a chore to lift my head off from the pillow. Strive indicates a ongoing, one day at a time process. Life is a journey, not a destination. We fall off the bike, get derailed and fail. But the path is still there waiting. Life has no deadline, no finish line, no time table. This doesn't mean I shouldn't set personal goals. But if the goal is unrealistic, or for whatever reason, I can't or don't complete the goal, there is absolutely no reason to despair.
Often we set such lofty and unfair goals for ourselves that failure is a given. Try setting smaller, more realistic short term goals. You weren't able to write 10 articles in a day? Don't feel guilty. Reset your goal to a more manageable one; try for 3 a day and then when you do 5, you can feel like a super hero. Be nice to yourself. Reward the effort as well as the success. Time is a continuum; it's not static. If I don't finish college this semester, do it next semester. Try again. And again.
Al-Anon has another slogan the gels well with 'practice not perfection'; 'don't quit quitting'. Said differently, 'keep on keeping on.' The worst thing you can do to yourself, and this sends stress cortisol levels through the roof, is to berate and antagonize yourself. Doubtless if your friend was suffering, you'd be there for her. Now be there for yourself. The more a person practices his own program, the healthier we all are. For more Al-Anon slogan meditations, visit me at www.emotionalhealthhelp.blogspot.com.
12 Step Slogans for Emotional Health
Feel like you're up to your neck in hot water? Depressed or angry and don't know how to cope? Learn how to manage emotional issues with 12 step slogans! 12 Step programs like Al-Anon and AA have proven successful in the treatment of all sorts of emotional issues. Depression, anxiety, addiction, bi-polar, eating disorders, OCD and other emotional health issues respond well to 12 Step programs. Here are some reflections on the Al-Anon and AA slogans.
These slogans have helped me manage my anxiety attacks much better. Most of us would probably agree that stress levels, dysfunctional behavior and the need for mental health help is escalating in our busy world. You've heard the slogan, 'half of the US is on anti-depressants and the other half should be'. perhaps? This is an indictment more of the insecure structure of the world in which we live than in our failing abilities as humans. So words like 'coping' 'stress-relievers' , a plethora of acronyms like ADD, ADHD, OCD, PMS, IBS and a multitude of other lifestyle diseases and nervous conditions pepper our vocabulary.
There are treatment, drugs, therapies available; most are expensive and all of them require that you practice some form of self-help techniques. And that is appropriate. If I wait for someone else to make me well, it isn't going to happen. Even if I am a praying person, I have to take some initiative. So why not begin the self-help techniques now. One of the best programs that I have found and used is the 12 Step principles of AA and Al-Anon. The whole premise of AA is to 'work your own program'. Many of us have suffered at the hands of others. But if we wait for someone else to 'get help' or 'make it right', it probably will never happen and worse yet, we miss precious chances to work at healing our own thinking and behavior. No one else has the power to make us whole, except we ourselves.
One of my favorite part of the Al-Anon program is the slogans. The slogans are just short simple sayings that contain an ocean of wisdom. For me they are like mini prayers or even mantras. I have always had this bad habit of practicing what I call 'emotional self abuse'. My mind with out any clear consciousness on my part will begin to play a series of very hurtful and toxic tapes. I rehearse all my errors and faults, I call myself names, I criticize every little thing about me. Pretty soon, I am putty in the hands of anyone who wants to take pot shots at me. And unfortunately, even in the happiest home or workplace or social situation, we hurt the ones we love. So I am even more vulnerable to anything anyone says, even innocent remarks or common occurrences can shake my sense of self to the core when I am already on a downhill roll in my own head anyway.
So I practice saying these slogans to myself daily. Now a lifetime of prior negative messages will take some time to erase and tape over. And recorded tapes, are literally and metaphorically magnetic: what touches them sticks to them. And repetition is the best way to learn something, right? That is how people are 'brain washed' so to speak.
So I must literally meditate on the Al-Anon slogans, these little nuggets of wisdom many times a day. I am repairing the damaging messages and replacing them with new healthy messages. And when life does fall apart, as it does on a pretty regular basis, and my subconscious goes into auto pilot, I have a new set of tapes that begin to play. So that when a major problem occurs, instead of the old 'tapes' which played 'You're an idiot, you should have known better, what were you thinking' and other nice stuff like that. my brain is playing some new tapes.
Easy does it.
One day at a time.
Keep it simple.
Let go and let God
Think.
How important is it?
Just for today.
First things first
These 'tapes' and others in the program I can stay glued listening to.
When I use the slogans, , they are most instrumental in bringing about inner peace, even when situations are in chaos. All it takes is time and practice and the rest of your life. Because it is a one day at a time process. We fall off the bike, but we get back on. 'But like Charlotte in Charlotte's Web says, that's what we've got isn't it? A lifetime...'
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