Al-Anon Slogans to heal childhood trauma shame from narcissistic parent abuse (2026 rewrite)

Hello my friends! Long time no see. I'm back, did you miss me? I missed you. 😻Since I last wrote, I have begun to unpack my childhood trauma issues from abuse by four narcissistic parents. And I've dug out some old content I wrote and refurbished it in light of that. I'm here today talk about some of my favorite tools in emotional health help and those are Al-Anon and AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) slogans. Specifically, I'm looking at the slogan "keep it clean." 

The Realization

I was hitting blind at a moving target. And that target wore my husband's face because the childhood trauma played out on the safer stage of our relationship. Expressing it was far too deadly in my original family, where the suffering actually came from.

The passive-aggressive plight of repressed rage

Rereading my now 18 year old content (😕 where did the time go?) I can hear a lot of repressed anger that came out sideways. I was more caustic and sharp and I see, deeply wounded. I see now that childhood trauma couldn't acknowledge abuse, neglect, fear of abandonment (from actual parental abandonment), endangerment, exploitation, manipulative parentifications, scapegoating parental enmeshment, triangulation and gaslighting about it all, had me very confused and shell shocked. I knew I was hurt and hurting but trauma bonding and betrayal blindness kept me from seeing the dysfunctional family system origins. 

The Clarity

FOG and DARVO gas the child's brain with poisonous, blinding fumes.

Gaslighting DARVO and FOG destroys reality

Narcissistic parent abuse has me so confused by FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) that I thought that my now relationships were the only source of the problem. I couldn't see the childhood trauma responses underscoring everything. Parent gaslighting (which is actually a form of gassing) had "burned my vision" so I could not see their abuse and cruelty clearly. And they made sure to keep the focus squarely on me and my husband as the problems, as they had always scapegoated me. They used DARVO to further muddy the waters. They Denied abusing me, counter- Attacked, and reversed Victim and Offender. I as their victim was painted as offending and victimizing them. 

"Keep it Clean" dilemma

This Alanon slogan means keep issues in the arena they belong. I had written, 

"In your dealings with others, keep the strands of thread separate. You're an adult. You know the difference between trouble at work and trouble at home. Keep it straight and keep it clean. Whatever you are experiencing, no matter how negative, it is never appropriate to take advantage of an innocent bystander."

(I was writing this to my husband. I often felt like his toxic waste dump, but not just the repository, the cause. I felt painted as the source of toxic waste, instead of just the place where it was dumped. But I long felt this at home too. But admitting that would be very dangerous. Whereas confronting my husband had hope. He actually listens.)

The projection plus transference trap

I had also written that

"Trouble shared is trouble halved is an old saying that only works if it's done cleanly and works two ways. There is a huge difference between sharing troubles in an objective, non-blaming an non-confrontational safe way and making the person you are sharing with, part of the problem. And it's a two-way street where both parties share." 

I didn't make the connection then, but what I was trying to get at was the one way nature of relationships with parents who take without given. And the problems of projection and transference. It also has to do with enmeshment, lack of respect, invalidation and boundary violation. The person sharing trouble isn't looking for help. He's looking for a target to blame. With narcissistic word salad and blame shifting, he blurs the lines between bystander and offender. By scapegoating someone, the scapegoat-er, transfers all responsibility, blame and consequences onto the innocent sacrificial lamb. Ergo, the importance of "keeping it clean." 

What I didn't understand was the trauma-bonded betrayal blindness which made me blame myself—and then my spouse, who was part of me—for what my parents did. I was doing what they did to me. And I was dragging him into my circular hell of blame and shame.

Narcissistic parents start a dirty vicious cycle 

When I wrote this post so long ago, I was writing to express frustration at how people in my life had not "kept it clean." But I was also inadvertently failing to keep it clean myself.  Me and everyone around me got the fallout from their toxins. My narcissistic, dehumanizing parents kept nothing clean. Every bad thing comes back to bite their scapegoat child who believes, because exploitative parents have flipped the script, that she is  the fault, the problem, the enemy. Mad at your spouse? Blame the child. One of your other kids failed? Pin it on the scapegoat. You got some narcissistic injury? Lash out at the scapegoat. The entire biome of the narcissistic family system is a polluted toxic waste dump. 

The gaslighting trail 

I heard endless vicious scorn, rebuke, and insult from my parents. And I let them attack because I thought that's what a "good daughter" did. But what it really is, is an abused scapegoat child trauma-responding, at her own expense.

Narcissistic parent abuse and gaslighting doesn't end when you move out. Or in my case are kicked out. They hound you, even from the grave in the "flying monkey" shaming they implanted. I can hear their voices in my head clearer than in real-time voices. They had groomed and indoctrinated to believe that since I was the problem, anyone I would bring into the toxic circle would by extension be the problem.

Now that I know, I know 

So I'm sharing what I wrote back then but I'm putting the real perpetrators in the hot seat. Did my husband sometimes take advantage and blame-shift? I don't know. My memory of those times is so besmirched by my parents' gaslighting deceit that I can't say. Looking back, I know my now family and I would have been a lot better off if I'd known then what I know now. Once you see, you can never be blinded again. 

The 2026 rewrite

So here's what I'd say to my narcissistic abusive parents now. It's the same thing I said 18 years ago, but now I'm saying it to the right people. I just replaced my original word spouse with the correct word child. 

PARADOX OF PARENT ROLE REVERSAL

NOTE: The operative substitution of "child" for "spouse" is exactly what occurred in the role reversal I experienced. Alongside being parentified, I was also used as a surrogate spouse, support system, soother, servant, and therapist.

(so now what I wrote reads properly) "If you are taking advantage of your CHILD's support, encouragement, listening ear and willingness to share your burden, shame on you for exploiting that love. Because your CHILD is willing to share your trials, does not make him/her your personal toxic waste dump. If you expect your CHILD to be there for you, be there for him/her when they need you." 

The Now Reality Check

But that's what hypocritical enmeshed narcissists don't do. They obligate their children to them in unnatural ways while failing to provide the fundamental basics they are actually obligated to provide. THIS is what blinded me to the real problems. 

(I continued) "Don't pollute the waters of your relationships by dragging your own demons into your relationship and expecting him/her to rescue you. Problems at work? Boss picking on you? Don't drag your CHILD into the mud. It isn't his/her fault that you have problems at work and it's not his/her responsibility to fix them. Is one (or all) of your kids bugging you? Is your mother, brother, wife driving you crazy? This is not your CHILD"s  problem and if you try to make him/her responsible for it because she/he isn't bailing you out, be prepared for hell on earth at home." 

The Irony of Parent Enmeshment

All these things I originally wrote not to do to spouses are bad enough to do to adults. But I was a child, being expected to do and be all things for adult parents who were supposed to love and protect me.

THERE SHOULD BE WAR BUT WASN'T

That last part I wrote about it being "hell on earth" was meant to say that if you bring warfare to the marriage, be prepared for anger and resentment. But sadly, as I now see, all the anger and resentment I should have felt, living with parents abuse, I didn't. I just absorbed that hellish nightmare life inside me.

(I continued, and this I see now that the trauma bonded betrayal blindness glasses have fallen off, was written straight to my parent perpetrators.)

 

"If you are so lazy and selfish that you believe that it's fine for you to harass, pester, undermine, insult and hurt innocent people because you are having trouble, you don't deserve a relationship. (2026 edit-You don't deserve children, either). Pull up your big boy/girl panties and wake up. The world doesn't revolve around you. There is a God but you are not it. (That was aimed squarely at my mom, dad, stepmom and stepdad, but I didn't know it)

 

"Everyone else has problems, worries, frustrations, pain and suffering. (2026 edit I have a lot of these BECAUSE of you YOU caused them) It called the human condition. If you can't or won't accept that fact, do yourself and everyone else a favor. Go live in a cave where you won't be a thorn in everyone else's side. If you can't pull your fair share in this world and own your own problems and pain, then get out of the race now. Don't expect anyone else to be your conscience, emotional crutch or personal leaning post.

I thought in rereading this that I'd hear a lot of smug sententiousness in my writing. Because my parents told me I was the hypocrite, the know-it-all. But I don't read this in it all. I hear a clarion call to arms, against perpetrators of abuse. So I'll end with this thought. 

"It's not your fault. It never was. It never will be. You can step off from the crazy-making parental abuse merry-go-round any time you want. You control the brake." Love, Mar 💗

Antidepressant alternatives: Natural drug-free first aid kit for depression and anxiety

The loss of my mother-in-law recently prompted me to relook at depression and anxiety. Certainly there is a difference between temporary grief and chronic depression but the two can feel similar. I took antidepressant Paxil for years and my husband was on Lexapro and Wellbutrin. I gained 100 pounds during the time on the drug and also lost a stillborn child. So those were both obviously depressing but it was more than just that. Paxil (paroxetene) made me disoriented and lethargic.

So I searched out natural antidepressant alternatives. Here's my supplement and herbal first aid kit for depression. Using five simple "ingredients" my husband and I have been able to wean off antidepressants and treat anxiety. It's not a perfect solution but then nothing is--and it's certainly better than where we were. We're actually happier off the happy pill! Here's what you need:

magnesium (preferably powdered effervescent magnesium--we use Mellow Mag by True Goodness)
vitamin B complex with extra B-12
vitamin D
St. John's Wort
Kava Kava (found primarily at health food stores)

We also work to eat healthier and keep refined sugar and processed foods out of the diet. 

How quitting antidepressants healed depression which sparked my weight loss

I've never been what you'd call a confident person. I might give the impression of positive self-image, but it's a mask I where to keep people from seeing how really fragile I am emotionally. But one thing that has boosted my self-esteem is weight loss. I <---lost ----="" 100="" and="" confetti="" dance="" do="" joy="" of="" pause="" pounds="" that="" the="" throw="" to="">

I feel prettier now. Not beautiful--operative suffix pretty-ER. I have also noticed that I have become more self-aware as I gain confidence. I'm more mindful of how I speak and don't babble nervously as much as I used to. Even my writing has improved because I can think more clearly. That's partly due to quitting anti-depressants and switching to herbal, healthier mood management.

St. John's Wort, magnesium, kava kava and B-12 have eased depression so much more than Paxil ever did. And they don't cause weight gain--of which the medical community doesn't warn you--like Paxil and other SSRI. And let me tell you, that IS depressing. So quitting the antidepressant helped me get out of the drug-induced mind fog, see the weight gain clearly so I could lose weight which reduced anxiety, panic attacks and depression which helped me see everything more positively and think more clearly, which helped...you get the idea. It's been a

happy spiral up instead of a vicious cycle down. #winwinwin

Manipulative Abusers in Relationships Know the Behaviors and Beware

What is manipulative behavior? It's coercive, shaming and hurtful. We've all been manipulative at times. A manipulative abuser's behavior isn't occasional or situational. It's chronic. Manipulative abuse isn't obvious. It's covert and passive-aggressive. And therefore so much more dangerous. Manipulative abusers have been called different things: sadist, control freak, sociopaths, invalidator. Bottom line--they like hurting people.

 Why do people become manipulative abusers? There are many possible reasons: intense self-esteem issues, delusions of grandeur, religious mania, alcoholism, substance abuse, abuse issues in childhood, even brain damage. Two things are certain: manipulative behavior is sick and dangerous. If you're the target of a manipulative abuser, know it's the manipulator's problem and not yours'. Learn to recognize the traits.


 -Bizarre communication patterns. He'll make provocative statements, ask leading questions, bait you into an argument, trap you into some imagined falsehood. He is trying to back you into a corner.


  -Backhanded compliments. '"Well you finally found a nice shirt." "You made dinner for once?" Their "compliments" are thinly disguised insults. When you call her on it, she gets offended and accuses you of not being able to accept a compliment.


  -Humiliation. When you speak, he ignores, contradicts or belittles. He says "you're not making any sense"though he's been interrupting, twisting your words and arguing with you since the conversation began. He prefers to do this publicly.

-Inappropriate humor. He thinks shaming people is funny. He'll tease and mock. He interrupts your serious talk to say dumb things for laughs. He makes faces behind your back. He says its to "lighten the situation." Funny, if you do it to him, it's not so funny.


  -Second guess. She'll speak "for" you in conversation with others, explain what you mean. She pooh-poohs you. She says she's "translating" or "interpreting" what you said. Her goal is to undermine you, make you feel stupid and make others think you can't speak for yourself.


  -Nonverbal warfare He's an exhibitionist and a drama queen. He uses implication, gesture, body language, innuendo and tone of voice to perfection. He has  a fully-stocked arsenal of psychological tricks and mind games to keep you second guessing yourself and looking over your shoulder. If confronted, he turns the tables in a crazy game of point-counterpoint.


  -Break promises. They lie, arrive late and 'forget' to call. They screw up but do it in such a way it looks like your fault. Then they blame you. They like seeing you awkward, embarrassed, confused and nervous. They remain always the "good guy."

-Exaggerate. They seize upon your every mistake and blow it out of proportion. They manufacture things you supposedly did. Abusers follow you, check up on you, question your judgment and motives. They defend their distrust and disrespect by either blaming you for "being paranoid" or saying you're unworthy of trust or respect.


 -Lack of responsibility. With the same energy they attack your mistakes, they downplay their own. If they admit mistakes, it's in a backhanded way that says it was really someone else's fault.


  -Law unto themselves. They expect the impossible of you and nothing of themselves.
They make up rules as they go. They change rules randomly, expect you to read their minds and adhere to their contorted rules.


  -Manipulators literally live in their own world.


  Manipulative abusers will trample you down and leave you to bleed. They will make you believe that it was all your fault, you deserved to punished and they only did it for your own good. And then they will move on to the next victim and convince him that you were an evil person and repeat procedure. Please. Don't be that victim.

Healing Relationship Communication Barriers with Constructive Arguing

Arguing in relationships? That can't be right! That's not communicating, just fighting! That depends on how you argue--what you say, how you say it, what your purpose is. WebMD quotes psychologist Susan Silverman who advocates" constructive arguing." Here's what to do and what to avoid to improve communication and relationships.

* Make the relationship priority. Don't come to the bargaining table with a self-serving agenda. Do what's in both your best interests. Act like the teammates you are. My husband and I act defensive by habit, though neither feels antagonistic. We tried arguing each other's point and discovered a whole new way of connecting.  Healing Relationship Communication Barriers with Constructive Arguing

Facebook, Social Media Impairs Real-Life Communication

Facebook and social networking are bubbles. They occupy a lot of time and airspace for a significant number of people. A spectrum of users interact instantly and globally. We don't yet know what all the impacts will be. From my own experiences, I see that digital interaction impairs face-to-face communication. Here's how and why I think excessive social networking should be avoided. As a dear friend on Yahoo! said, "it can't replace a smile, a conversation or a hug." Words to live by. Facebook, Social Media Impairs Real-Life Communication

Mental Health: How Being an Empath Can Ruin Relationships

14 years ago, I discovered I'm an empath. I always knew, even as a child, that I felt others pain, but it was good to discover that intense sensitivity had a name. Empath Guide defines it well: Criticism, suffering, hurt, humiliation, shame are hard enough for me to bear. Watching others feel them is agonizing. Knowing I'm an empath explains a lot about my interpersonal struggles. It can ruin or heal relationships.  Mental Health: How Being an Empath Can Ruin Relationships

Natural Weight Loss Supplements, Fat Burners

I put on 100 pounds after losing two babies and taking an antidepressent. That's me at a heavier point in 2012. I started dieting 18 months ago, but got serious about it six months ago. I began counting calories in earnest and weeding out junk food out. Then I tried some herbal supplements that have really boosted the weight loss. I'd shaved off 55 pounds when I wrote this. Now I've lost 98 total. Right is me in March 2014. I've waited to recommend them to see if they really work and they do. If you're trying to lose weight here, are diet supplements to help.  Natural Weight Loss Supplements, Fat Burners 

Four Must-Have Relationship Rules of Emotionally Healthy Couples

Starting a relationship with a significant other can bring much happiness. As with marriage, there's a honeymoon phase where you float above problems and always get along. But the honeymoon doesn't last forever. And if some ground rules aren't put in place early on, the relationship will crumble quickly. As the relationship progresses and depending on what level it gets to, more definition may be added. Here are some must-have rules.  Four Must-Have Relationship Rules of Engagement

25 Drug-Free Therapies to Treat Menopause Depression, Anxiety

Anxiety, panic attacks, depression, and PMS (pre-menstrual syndrome): I struggle with each to a varying degree. For seven years I took the antidepressant Paxil (paroxetine), but I put on weight at an alarming rate. When I entered menopause, it felt like I had PMS every day. My depression and panic attacks escalated. I decided to quit and find ways to treat emotional distress without medication. Here are 25 drug-free therapies that have kept me off antidepressants and helped me to lose weight and feel better.Read more at: 25 Drug-Free Therapies to Treat Menopause Depression, Anxiety