Pity Party: When Low Self-Esteem Becomes a Weapon

There's a newish term called crybully which aptly describes a hidden type of bullying. Crybullying is passive aggressively bullying another person by calling them out as the bully. It is part blame-shifting, DARVO, projection and transference of responsibility off from the actual perpetrator and onto the victim. And another part of it is weaponized "low self-esteem" or self-pitying narcissistic injury cloaked as low self-esteem. 

The crybully in usually a narcissist who uses his self-professed low self-esteem as a crutch and an excuse for toxic behavior. He says things like 

(heavy sigh) I don't think anything of myself. Don't expect anything of me. I can't be held to normal rules because I am suffering. You can't judge me anymore harshly than I already judge myself." Translation: oh woe is me, nobody understands me, how I've suffered, you're all out to get me, yada yada. 

The problem with this type of stinkin' thinkin' is that it usually comes out because someone has confronted the crybully with his own bad behavior. He has experienced narcissistic injury and he doesn't like it. That's not a real injury. It's a kick to his inflated ego. 

This toxic behavior twists your words to make himself sound like the poor picked-on little boy. In reality, what you said was probably not terribly inflammatory. However because you confronted his words or behavior, you didn't hide and cover up, you walked into the elephant in the living room instead of around it, the crybully goes into 'poor me' mode. 

But instead of just coming out swinging, the crybully uses emotional black mail. He hides and his passive-aggressive, underhanded nasty words and behaviors behind a smokescreen of low self-esteem. He defends his actions by claiming to feel so "terrible" about himself and can't help it.  No compassionate person is going to question the motives and actions of a person who already feels low about himself. 

It's in the bully's best interest that others see him as the victim, the wronged one, the poor innocent. It's important for him to use his low self -esteem to protect himself from having to accept any responsibility for his actions. When you confronted his behavior you made him vulnerable because you exposed his self-esteem as a crutch, a tool and even a weapon.

Low self-esteem can be a weapon, you ask? Absolutely. Here's how. When you confront a bully on his unacceptable behavior, his cover is blown. When you call it what it is, he can't hide behind the "poor me" facade anymore. And that's when he shows his true colors, in narcissistic rage. A person with truly low self-esteem already believes the worst about themselves. If you confront us, we go into the grovel fawn trauma response. We abase ourselves. We accept full responsibility and feel intense guilt. We don't make excuses. In fact we take on everyone else's shame as well. 

So the fact that the crybully narcissist reacts with affronted rage to your confrontation of his behavior, proves he think very highly of himself. He feels self-righteous entitlement to lash out because his "rights" to whatever he imagines he has a right to have been "violated." His behavior is far more bullying and abusive than anything you supposedly did to him. 

Suddenly his 'low self-esteem' doesn't seem like a handicap for him, but a weapon that he wields with deadly accuracy. People feel sorry for people with low self-esteem. They hate and fear bullies. Don't let the crybully fool you with excuses of low self-esteem. Those who truly struggle with self-esteem don't often talk about it and when they do, they do not use it as a crutch, tool or weapon.