Al-anon coined a useful phrase for toxic thinking behavior called "stinkin thinkin." In speech, it's called "word salad" (a toxic barrage blame-shame shifting, gaslighting, insults and narcissistic abuse). Are you in a relationship with someone struggling with stinking thinking and toxic behavior? If someone you love has stinking thinking with toxic behavior you need to detach. Your job is to keep yourself safe. What is toxic behavior? Basically it's any behavior engaged in by someone you love that is hurtful to you. It includes but isn't limited to:
- rudeness
- sarcastic comments
- mocking
- patronizing (mansplaining)
- dehumanizing
- insults
- lying
- denying reality
- passive-aggressive behavior
- scolding and shaming
- humiliating
- projection of blame
- scapegoating
Detaching from toxic behavior and stinking thinking is may look different from person to person. Some people find that the only way to get unstuck or detach from the toxic behavior and stinking thinking is to go no contact and cut themselves off completely via divorce, a physical move, etc. In other situations, other methods may work, such as self-talk, emotional and mental detachment and periods of isolation.
One of the best tools for detachment is to recognize toxic behavior and stinking thinking for what it is and then learn to read the red flag warning signs that an episode of toxic behavior is looming. If you've been in a relationship with stinking thinking, you can sense when an episode is coming on. Sometimes you have warning; other times it's out of the blue. But you can start to "read" the vibes the person is giving out.
By admitting that the behavior is toxic, you start to diffuse it's harm to you. Pretending it's something else doesn't work. A person bent on making you feel will succeed sooner or later. Gaslighting yourself that
"you heard it wrong"
"he didn't mean it"
or any of the other many excuses we codependent people make for aggressive, antagonistic, narcissistic behavior only prolongs the pain.
Another tool is radical acceptance that the toxic behavior and stinking thinking are real and really happening. When you see it coming, cut it off at the pass. Recognize the toxic behavior and stinking thinking before it has a chance to harm you. Avoid the tar pit. Walk around. Getting stuck in stinking thinking and toxic behavior has a nasty habit of making the victim respond with toxic behavior. Don't go there.
When you see the storm brewing, practice what I call detachment by avoidance. Detaching by avoidance isn't always observable to others. I am learning to detach in my mind. I don't react to baited comments, suggestive remarks, sarcastic jibes, vicious talk, swearing, innuendos and verbal traps. These are toxic behavior and stinking thinking traps designed to lure me into the arena. These are red flags, designed to get me to 'see red' literally and come out charging.
Well, I'm not a bull but I know bull poop when I see it. Toxic behavior in the form of rude comments or underhanded remarks, is bull poop. Plain and simple. I am learning how to neatly sidestep piles of bull poop and go on my way, untainted. It's not easy. I've stepped in the toxic mess more times than I care to count. And I probably will again. But like the great quit smoking motto, I 'don't' quit quitting'. I get up, clean myself off and get back on track.
Will the person with the stinking thinking get better? That's not given to me to know. of course I hope for healthy behavior. Healthy people are happy people. All I can do is work my own program, detach when needed and be glad that life is 'one day at a time'. For more on this topic, visit me at www.emotionalhealthhelp.blogspot.com
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