Relationships Fails and Wins, How to Vent Anger without Dumping on Your Partner

Anger is a normal emotion. It's not right or wrong. Venting anger is healthy if done right. But venting can quickly turn to dumping if ground rules aren't observed. Dumping on your partner is an epic relationship fail. What differentiates venting from dumping? Dumping is blame and shame oriented and destructive. Healthy venting is sharing-based, respectful and goal-oriented. Use these fixes to turn anger dumping fails into productive sharing wins!Relationships Fails and Wins, How to Vent Anger without Dumping on Your Partner

 

Relationship Fails and Wins: How to Actively Listen Without Getting Taken Advantage of

Life is stressful, can we just agree? So it's normal for us to feel anger and to bring that anger into our relationships. That sounds like it should be a bad thing. And it is if anger isn't expressed or handled properly. Anger dumped on others is a major relationship fail.



But, ironically, so is not communicating anger at all. Bottled negative emotion turns septic. It seeps out in ugly and passive-aggressive ways. When people stew over old hurts, and don't release them, the anger has nowhere to go.



Sometimes, anger that was originally directed elsewhere, becomes personal. An objective or public issue starts getting played out on the subjective, private stage of intimate relationships. In already shaky relationships, repressed rage can even turn vindictive. Innocent people get punished for things they had nothing to do with. Children helplessly watch family members hurt each other. They in turn stuff their feelings. They pass on generations of toxic anger. It becomes a vicious cycle, figuratively and literally.



But there is hope. If you learn to communicate and share problems in healthy ways, it can actually make your relationships stronger. Venting anger safely requires two things: respect on the part of the one venting and active listening on the other's part. Here's how to show empathy without getting taken advantage of. Read more by clicking the link.   Relationship Fails and Wins: How to Actively Listen Without Getting Taken Advantage of

Manipulative Abusers in Relationships Know the Behaviors and Beware

What is manipulative behavior? It's coercive, shaming and hurtful. We've all been manipulative at times. A manipulative abuser's behavior isn't occasional or situational. It's chronic. Manipulative abuse isn't obvious. It's covert and passive-aggressive. And therefore so much more dangerous. Manipulative abusers have been called different things: sadist, control freak, sociopaths, invalidator. Bottom line--they like hurting people.

 Why do people become manipulative abusers? There are many possible reasons: intense self-esteem issues, delusions of grandeur, religious mania, alcoholism, substance abuse, abuse issues in childhood, even brain damage. Two things are certain: manipulative behavior is sick and dangerous. If you're the target of a manipulative abuser, know it's the manipulator's problem and not yours'. Learn to recognize the traits.


 -Bizarre communication patterns. He'll make provocative statements, ask leading questions, bait you into an argument, trap you into some imagined falsehood. He is trying to back you into a corner.


  -Backhanded compliments. '"Well you finally found a nice shirt." "You made dinner for once?" Their "compliments" are thinly disguised insults. When you call her on it, she gets offended and accuses you of not being able to accept a compliment.


  -Humiliation. When you speak, he ignores, contradicts or belittles. He says "you're not making any sense"though he's been interrupting, twisting your words and arguing with you since the conversation began. He prefers to do this publicly.

-Inappropriate humor. He thinks shaming people is funny. He'll tease and mock. He interrupts your serious talk to say dumb things for laughs. He makes faces behind your back. He says its to "lighten the situation." Funny, if you do it to him, it's not so funny.


  -Second guess. She'll speak "for" you in conversation with others, explain what you mean. She pooh-poohs you. She says she's "translating" or "interpreting" what you said. Her goal is to undermine you, make you feel stupid and make others think you can't speak for yourself.


  -Nonverbal warfare He's an exhibitionist and a drama queen. He uses implication, gesture, body language, innuendo and tone of voice to perfection. He has  a fully-stocked arsenal of psychological tricks and mind games to keep you second guessing yourself and looking over your shoulder. If confronted, he turns the tables in a crazy game of point-counterpoint.


  -Break promises. They lie, arrive late and 'forget' to call. They screw up but do it in such a way it looks like your fault. Then they blame you. They like seeing you awkward, embarrassed, confused and nervous. They remain always the "good guy."

-Exaggerate. They seize upon your every mistake and blow it out of proportion. They manufacture things you supposedly did. Abusers follow you, check up on you, question your judgment and motives. They defend their distrust and disrespect by either blaming you for "being paranoid" or saying you're unworthy of trust or respect.


 -Lack of responsibility. With the same energy they attack your mistakes, they downplay their own. If they admit mistakes, it's in a backhanded way that says it was really someone else's fault.


  -Law unto themselves. They expect the impossible of you and nothing of themselves.
They make up rules as they go. They change rules randomly, expect you to read their minds and adhere to their contorted rules.


  -Manipulators literally live in their own world.


  Manipulative abusers will trample you down and leave you to bleed. They will make you believe that it was all your fault, you deserved to punished and they only did it for your own good. And then they will move on to the next victim and convince him that you were an evil person and repeat procedure. Please. Don't be that victim.

10 Reasons You're Irritable, Plus Healing Mood Lifters

 I admit it--I struggle with chronic grouchiness. That might surprise you as generally, I'm cheerful. That's because I've learned to dig beneath the irritability to the root causes. Here are ten reasons you're a grouch and 10 things you can do about it. 10 Reasons You're Irritable, Plus Healing Mood Lifters

Codependent Recovery Using Al-Anon Slogans

I am a recovering codependent. I'm also an empath--I feel everyone's pain and take on their problems. I can't recover from that--it's how I'm made. And I don't want to. But I can find healthier ways to cope. Here are recovery tips for codependents and empaths using Al-Anon slogans.  How to Recover From Codependency Using Al-Anon Slogans

Panic Attack Survival Tools: Emergency Kit for Coping with Anxiety

Do you struggle with chronic anxiety? Do you, like me, default to panic over healthy responses? Do you come out guns blazing or retreat in the face of stress. Fight or flight is a common though no healthy, coping skill. Taming anxiety takes time and work (I've been at it all my life). No matter how much progress you make, it never quite goes away. Here's an emergency kit of A-Z panic attack survival tips.  Panic Attack Survival Tools: Emergency Kit for Anxiety

Why Won't He Propose Marriage? Relationship Tips for Brides-Hopeful

Ladies, is your man taking his sweet time popping the question? It's discouraging to brides-hopeful, to wait on grooms-reluctant to propose marriage. Here are reasons he might not be asking and how you can get him to "put a ring on it." Note, I say "he" but it can be men pushing for and women shying from marriage, too.   Why Won't He Propose Marriage? Relationship Tips for Brides-Hopeful

Healthy Children's Car Snacks for Happy Travel

Summer means vacation and vacation means travel. Whether day-tripping or driving cross-country, traveling with kids can be hard. Kids get irritable. Grumpy kids fight more, get on your nerves and may even cause accidents. Adults do too. Usually this stems from boredom, hunger, exhaustion, lack of activity, more than bad behavior. Most travel drama can be minimized by keeping everyone fed. Pack a cooler of healthy snacks to keep them happy. Whether driving, flying, sailing going by rail or bike, these portable snacks travel well. I still pack snacks for my adult kids when we travel together. Better than paying sky-high (pun intended) airport prices. Here's an A-Z car snacks menu that's low sugar so kids don't get wild, low salt so they don't too get thirsty, high protein to fill them up and high fiber so they don't get travel constipation (that's a thing. I used to get it at summer camp). Healthy Car Snacks for Traveling With Kids, From A-Z

Lose Weight, Depression and Shame, Gain Self Esteem

I've lost 98 of the 100 pounds gained after pregnancy loss, depression, menopause and antidepressant drug therapy. The left photo is me summer 2011. Right is me May 2014. I've lost fat and gained many good things: better overall health, food "sobriety," confidence, joy, peace of mind, self-esteem. Here's how losing weight made me a happier, more peaceful person. Lose Weight, Depression and Shame, Gain Self Esteem



. 

Diet Tip, Get off the Scale. Seriously. For Emotional Peace of Mind

I'm just a few pounds shy of my weight loss goal of 100 pounds. It's taken me about two years total, but the weight came off faster in the second year because I understood better how to diet. I just tried on last summer's pants and found I've dropped four sizes since then. Losing weight is as much about emotional as much as physical health.  Diet Tip, Get off the Scale. Seriously.